Fighting my battle!
I'm sure everyone that's reading this thinks they've got me all figured out. It's just another girl, who has no "real" issues, but whines until she gets the attention she longs for. Well, you know what? You are probably right. I'm not even trying to deny that. I won't waste your time doing that.
I see stories about people who have experienced things that could make the monsters in horror movies shudder. There have been countless times where I've felt completely and utterly helpless, and all it took was some TED speeches, and I was on my way to Happytown. Well, that's putting it lightly, but you get what I mean. Putting things in perspective was how I used to deal with my depression. Note that I did, in fact, use past tense. I was scrolling through my Newsfeed (as one does, when they're bored with no social life), and this Word Porn post caught my eye. It said something like, "if you shouldn't be sad because someone else has a more difficult life, you shouldn't be happy because there are those with better lives". That was the scope of it. I understand that this was just a very brief quote, but it changed the way I viewed my life.
I realized that even if to the world, my problems may not seem significant enough, (compared to world hunger and all), they are to me. They make life extremely difficult for me, and for those around me, because I tend to turn into Medusa, except I turn people into stones by lashing my anger out on them. I've been battling with depression, pretty much all my life. I have social anxiety, anger issues and skyhigh levels of insecurity. But, then again who doesn't?
Everyone is fighting something. When the battle is within you, it starts to feel like bringing in more people to give you aid, is just giving way to more casualties. So, like most people, I've built a wall around myself that would make the Great Wall of China hideaway in envy. It feels like the right thing to do, doesn't it? Shouldn't it? But, I've got a great family, and a few good friends (and a stick or two, a house is built in a corner called Pooh), that love me so much that there were numerous occasions where I've questioned their sanity. It's my battle, but they sure do make great cheerleaders. It's easier with them around. Not "easy", just "easier" than wanting to wither away in solidarity.
So, I guess why I was beating around the bush all this time was to say that you matter. Trust me, I'm in no place to give you advice about coping with depression or guidelines on how to be a social butterfly. But I do know this. I've been at rock bottom, and like Rachel says sometimes, it's like there's "rock bottom, fifty feet of crap and then there's me". But I'm going on 21 now, and I've survived. It's taken a lot to come to this place, but I swear, sometimes, I'm almost proud of myself. I've had to go to therapists, I took my first antidepressant in 8th grade, I had to get stitches because of my anger issues, I constantly show people what a monster I can be, I cry myself to sleep most nights - but at the end of the day, I've survived it all.
Let's just hope I can say that every day!
Thank you for reading.
To infinity and beyond (and beyond that)
I see stories about people who have experienced things that could make the monsters in horror movies shudder. There have been countless times where I've felt completely and utterly helpless, and all it took was some TED speeches, and I was on my way to Happytown. Well, that's putting it lightly, but you get what I mean. Putting things in perspective was how I used to deal with my depression. Note that I did, in fact, use past tense. I was scrolling through my Newsfeed (as one does, when they're bored with no social life), and this Word Porn post caught my eye. It said something like, "if you shouldn't be sad because someone else has a more difficult life, you shouldn't be happy because there are those with better lives". That was the scope of it. I understand that this was just a very brief quote, but it changed the way I viewed my life.
I realized that even if to the world, my problems may not seem significant enough, (compared to world hunger and all), they are to me. They make life extremely difficult for me, and for those around me, because I tend to turn into Medusa, except I turn people into stones by lashing my anger out on them. I've been battling with depression, pretty much all my life. I have social anxiety, anger issues and skyhigh levels of insecurity. But, then again who doesn't?
Everyone is fighting something. When the battle is within you, it starts to feel like bringing in more people to give you aid, is just giving way to more casualties. So, like most people, I've built a wall around myself that would make the Great Wall of China hideaway in envy. It feels like the right thing to do, doesn't it? Shouldn't it? But, I've got a great family, and a few good friends (and a stick or two, a house is built in a corner called Pooh), that love me so much that there were numerous occasions where I've questioned their sanity. It's my battle, but they sure do make great cheerleaders. It's easier with them around. Not "easy", just "easier" than wanting to wither away in solidarity.
So, I guess why I was beating around the bush all this time was to say that you matter. Trust me, I'm in no place to give you advice about coping with depression or guidelines on how to be a social butterfly. But I do know this. I've been at rock bottom, and like Rachel says sometimes, it's like there's "rock bottom, fifty feet of crap and then there's me". But I'm going on 21 now, and I've survived. It's taken a lot to come to this place, but I swear, sometimes, I'm almost proud of myself. I've had to go to therapists, I took my first antidepressant in 8th grade, I had to get stitches because of my anger issues, I constantly show people what a monster I can be, I cry myself to sleep most nights - but at the end of the day, I've survived it all.
Let's just hope I can say that every day!
Thank you for reading.
To infinity and beyond (and beyond that)
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